so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
