I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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