Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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