I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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