none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
