At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
