i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
