My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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