genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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