Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
