Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
