I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
