I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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