you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
