i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
