life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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