I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
