i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
