She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
