I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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