god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
