he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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