Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
