my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
