i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Randomize
