My underwear smells like fireworks.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
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