I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
