I hate all girls vehemently.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Randomize
