I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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