Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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