If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
He? As in you personified your dick?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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