youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I AM VODKA MAN
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
