I hate all girls vehemently.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
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