It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
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It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
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Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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