Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
