He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
