um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
