then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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