Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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