The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Randomize
