i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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