a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
