Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
