Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
