Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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