it's not cheating when I paid for it
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Randomize
