I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
