The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
