Your face is a jimmy john
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
