she was so not down for the gang bang
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
