I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
