i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
