Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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