mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
