Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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