I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
