I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
